When you think of becoming a Mother or Parent, your mind takes you in all different directions. Your heart kinda palpitates from the fear. You think of all the things you’ll never do. How you’ll always have everything in order, put together, structured and set routines. But let’s be honest…Parenthood doesn’t work like that.
When my Husband and I decided we were going to try to have a baby, I was terrified! How could I ever be good enough, loving enough or even responsible enough to care for an ENTIRE HUMAN! How was I supposed to make sure I never made the same mistakes my Mother made, after all, SHE raised me, SHE taught me life lessons, SHE struggled in front of me for so many years. I WAS SCARED.
Matt (my husband) and I tried for two or three months. I stayed home from work one day because I wasn’t feeling well…Something told me I needed to get a pregnancy test. So I drove to our little Fred’s Pharmacy, picked up a test and some prenatal vitamins (just incase) and headed home. I took the test and just sat there with so much anxiety, I felt like my chest was going to implode. I looked over at my vanity and there . it . was! Double pink lines…Oh damn, Life just got real!
I was in so much shock that I didn’t know how to tell Matt so I did what anyone would do, I texted him a picture of the positive test (great reveal right? *insert eye roll*) His response was not what I thought it would be either…a reply of “Oh shit!“. We spent the next couple of days trying to let it sink in and going to see an OB/GYN, Dr. Fox. Turns out I was 5 weeks, We got to see the little nugget and see the little heart beat. This was crazy!
Morning sickness set in…and it was ALL DAY LONG. I couldn’t keep anything down, not even water. I remember vividly that ground beef…even cooked, smelled like wet dog. Pizza grease was the devil and I just wanted Tam’s burgers (California thing). Week 7 we rushed to the E.R. because I was spotting…turns out I was just extremely dehydrated. So they stuck an IV in and gave me liquids. They also said that If I couldn’t keep anything down I’d have to be hospitalized…They gave me some anti nausea medicine and sent me home.
Eventually I was able to not only stomach but enjoy food again. Week 18 we found out the gender…We were going to have a BOY! We knew we would name him after Matt…So Matthew II it was! My stomach grew and so did my fears. I can remember laying in bed…feeling this miracle kicking inside and thinking…“This is the safest he’ll ever be”. Safe from being alone or cold or hungry. Safe from the craziness of the world. I wasn’t ready for him to come. “How am I supposed to do this?”.
The night of December 19th 2010, We were off to the hospital…I was dilated to a 3. Slow and steady…Until 11 am came and Dr. Fox decided it was time to break my water… The flood gates opened! The contractions came too! INTENSE! At about noon I got the epidural cuz your girl is NOT about that life. Nurses and Dr. Fox said it would be a while so Matt and his family left me and went to have lunch…while I was offered the finest ice chips available. I was restless and Matt made it back just in time. I was ready to push.
All family left the room, It was just Matt and I along with the nurses. Stirrups out, feet up and nurses telling me to push…What?! I can’t feel anything…Ok. Focus! I pushed for about 30 minutes, Dr. Fox came and after an episiotomy, Matthew was here. I didn’t know whether to cry or smile…so I did both. He was perfect and he was mine. They cleaned him up and brought him back to me IN A STOCKING! So freakin’ cute! This 8lb 2oz, 20 inch, full head of black hair baby was all ours, We did this! In that moment, He became my reason.
My reason for finally standing my ground with my own Mother. She and I have almost always had a very complicated relationship. That is an entire other blog post. However this was the day that I told her No. No I don’t want you to come. I don’t want you to stress me out. This is not about you, this is about me and MY child. It broke my heart but it was necessary. He made me so much stronger than I thought I could ever be. To have a child means you become selfless. You literally allow a piece of your heart to be with this child. Forever feeling like you have to protect them.
Motherhood has taught me that I don’t know it all but I would travel to the ends of the Earth to protect my children. I improvise a lot, find myself using the same phrases as my Mother, feeling worried almost all of the time but I wouldn’t do anything different. Having Matthew is what catapulted me into being a strong woman. I love him and I make sure to tell him everyday but he’ll never fully understand how much.
