Surprise! I’m a two boy Mom! I’ve told you all about my journey to becoming a Mother, what that was like and the fear that comes along with it. But no one EVER tells you about the sheer terror of having baby #2! So here’s my story to shed some insight…or not.

After having Matthew, I was completely smitten by him. The way his tiny hand would wrap around my pinky finger. Or the way we would lock eyes during those midnight feedings. How I just loved seeing his milk drunk pucker with a dribble of milk slowly dripping down to his chin. I loved this little boy with my entire being. Watching him learn to crawl, to walk, to talk…It was incredible! Baby #2 was a scary thought.

I was so afraid of Matthew being jealous or feeling like I loved him any less. Feeling like he wasn’t enough or that I abandoned him. To be completely honest, I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to love another child as much as I love Matthew. I don’t think I shared this with Matt because it made me feel so ugly. Shortly before Matthew turned 2, we found out I was pregnant…

I wanted to love on Matthew as much as I possibly could before this new baby came. Life was a bit difficult, as it always is. Matt and I were working full time. I was still breast feeding Matthew and pumping at work. I was waking up and going to bed with Matthew to spend as much time with him as I could. Matt’s Mother was living with us and watching Matthew while we were at work. She was getting to see his milestones more than I was and It tore me up inside.

My pregnancy wasn’t as bad as it was the first time. None the less the nausea was still there…the swollen cankles…check, the hormonal roller coaster…check, the body image dysmorphia…check! I was coming in hot and poor Matt was buckled up right next to me the entire time. He and I really thought we were having a girl. Matt so badly wanted a “Daddy’s Girl” especially since Matthew was already such a Mama’s Boy. I was looking at bow’s and tutu’s, Matt bought a little fluffy pink blanket, Chloe Kristina was going to be her name.

Then pregnancy week 18 came along…Gender ultrasound time. Mind you, Matthew took us a while to find out what he was because he was moving so much, legs crossed, kicking. This time…First shot on the screen…IT’S A BOY! He was wide open, loud and proud to be the second and final addition to the Carson family. I was…indifferent about the reveal, Matt was a little upset but got over it really quickly…especially after returning the pink fluffy blanket =)

I continued to work full time. I tried to stay active and aware. During this time, we only had one car. Matt and I would carpool but I always had a good 45 minutes to an hour wait when picking him up so I’d walk around the culdesac. At work, I made it a point to go to the restroom and do some calve stretches, arm circles and abdomen twists just to keep myself…occupied. The alternative was munching because I definitely had a snack drawer at my desk.

We told family at Thanksgiving that I was pregnant…My sister in law thought I was joking…My mother in law was just plain upset. The deal was she could live with us until we had another child…I guess our timing didn’t fit her timing. My sister and my mom seemed happy. I remember Matthew being so excited, rubbing and kissing my belly. This boy had such a big, loving heart. I was already so proud.

I worked all the way up to the day of delivery…Which wasn’t the plan. I remember being 9 months pregnant, We were now at weekly Dr. visits. Monday morning I went to work, just like any other day. I had an appointment at 2:30 so I picked up Matt and he drove us. I was starring out the window, looking at the clouds for no particular reason, just thinking…blue. The color blue, the sky was bright blue, baby boys colors are blue.

The Doctors visit went well. Dr. Fox stated that I was at 3cm…No big deal. He’d probably see me in a few days if not next week. So we headed home. Dinner was normal, Matthew in his highchair, Matt, Donna and I sitting at the table. After dinner I took a shower and started having some dull lower back and abdomen cramps, in waves. So I went and laid down on the couch…and I asked Matt to rub my back…which I never do. In the middle of a wave…it hit me, “Maybe I should be timing this”. The waves were coming every 7 minutes. I went to the restroom and I told Matt “I think we need to go to the hospital”…The mans response was “are you sure because I have my Vacation planned for next week” *insert face palm*.

Matthew stayed with Donna at home. Matt and I got into the car and started the 15ish minute drive to the Hospital. This ride was INTENSE. Like DAYUM GINA. My body felt like It was about to implode on itself because of the pain. We made it to the Hospital and I got out of the car, started to walk towards the side walk and STOP! A big contraction hits and Matt looks at me & says “can’t you at least make it to the curb?” My eyes said: I WILL END YOUR LIFE!

We got to the front desk and Thank ya Jesus the nurses brought a wheel chair for me. Apparently, today was THE day to have a baby because ALL DELIVERY ROOMS ARE TAKEN! They sent Matt and I to “triage” which is like a pregnant women’s holding tank. The nurse hands me a gown and asks me to get changed…The only thing I can say at this point is “I’m sorry I’m sorry”. I waddle my butt to the bathroom, Matt comes in with me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” as I try to let Matt help me.

I make it out. The nurse gives me a triage bed, Matt is standing next to me and the nurse says they need to check me. “Oh Honey, You’re ready. You’re an 8”. Wait…WHAT?!? I just had a doctors visit 5 hours ago and I was 3! They send me to a room…(Side note…thanks to whoever popped one out like a pro and made the room available). These contractions are so damn strong. Every 3-4 minutes…I’m sweating like a banshee at this point. The nurse comes in and says she called Dr. Fox, He’s on his way. Then she asks if I wanted to get an epidural…Uh…YES! Please, on the double if ya don’t mind.

She calls Anesthesia but they are backed up…it may take a bit for them to get here. She checks me again…”Oh Honey, DON’T PUSH. If you go any further you can’t have an epidural, You’re a 9″. I AM SCARED AND I AM NOT BRAVE. I needed this medication…but all I wanted to do was push. Thankfully because I was moving so quickly, Anesthesia was informed so they came. I got the epidural and phew! Dr. Fox walks in and he’s a little bitter. “I had just gotten home when they called” he said…”I owe you some extra flowers” I told him. He once told me that my body was “made for giving birth”, I now believed him.

Dr. Fox broke my water and it was go time. From ER check in at 8:30 to delivery at 10:55…I was in a whirlwind. And there he was…8lbs 2oz, Just like his brother. He was bald with just the smallest peach fuzz…and he was perfect. Matt and I had done it again. I was so in love. Matt went to go pick up Matthew so he could meet his little brother, Ryan. I was nervous. He came in and looked at me with those bright blue eyes and asked to see his baby. Matt put him up on the bed with us and he leaned over and kissed Ryan on his forehead.

In that moment, I knew everything was going to be ok. I knew this was exactly the way it should be. They were meant for each other, to be each others best friend. I was meant to have two sons, two “Mama’s boys”. I couldn’t be more proud. My heart is so full. A beautiful Marriage, Two amazing sons…That makes one blessed Momma.

I chose to work from home from then on and care for my boys. Not the easiest but definietly fulfilling.

FEAR: Choose to conquer it or it will conquer you.